Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The War on Teddy Bears

"The CPSC’s Resale Round-up initiative is targeting those of us who make toys, and other products, available to children they might consider to be toxic. We, according to CPSC chair-lady Inez Tenenbaum, '… are not only breaking the law, [we] are putting children’s lives at risk.'"

You know how civil servants often hand little teddy bears to children who were witness to fire or violent crime in an attempt to calm them? They sometimes say, "I need you to do something for me. I have this little bear here who doesn't have a name, could you name him for me and give him a home?" It gives the kids something to get their minds off of whatever may be troubling them.

Well, now Congress has reared its filthy head and decided to declare war on teddy bears via recall laws; the same ones that can slap you with up to fifteen million dollars ($15,000,000) in fines for selling a toy at a garage sale that has been recalled due to high levels of lead or something. Seems some teddy bears have been dipping into the lead paint a bit too much for the government to allow them to be distributed to terrorized tots, and sweeping new regulations and guidelines are leading one Wisconsin police department to switch to handing out a passel of books to the frightened toddlers, instead of the death-dealing bears.

Mmm, books to calm a three year-old... brilliant! Why hasn't anyone else thought of that? Maybe have them read one of Orwell's classics? Some Dickens, mayhap?

So, get yourselves in the mindset, these evil bears (Ursidae Fuzzius Cuddliae) have been terrorizing children for far too long. They hate our way of life, and wish to impose their regime of fluffiness and cuddly oppression via radical jihad and hugs. Not all teddy bears are radical, however, as some are merely seeking the American dream. But we will uncover and prosecute the radicals, whether they are hiding in caves or are tenderly tucked under a pillow.

If they are willing to come to the negotiating table, we are waiting. We will extend a hand, if they are willing to unclench their furry fist.

To nations everywhere, I say, you are either with us, or you are with the teddy bears.


AdamS said...

"Ursidae Fuzzius Cuddliae" XDDD

You're either with us, or you're with the teddy bears.

CarolineNot said...

You crack me up. Ü

Were it not for the seemingly soon demise of the free market, I would see a lucrative career for an enterprising man: teddies made in the USA, with USA made materials. Most of us aren't trying to poison our fellow countrymen.

Sock monkeys rule!

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